Living with Uncertainty is Okay

Somewhere along the road to becoming adults we decided that we needed to have control of our lives and have everything planned out before us all neatly in a row.  We decided this is what keeps us calm and makes us happy.

I know, I think the exact same way.  I am a planner.  I get giddy walking down the calendar aisle at Target.  I love to have things organized so I feel like I'm in control of my life.

It's why I'm mildly obsessed with Microsoft Excel.  I make spreadsheets for everything, anything.  Our finances, my cleaning schedule, my weekly To Do schedule, my son's daily routine.....if a spreadsheet can be made for it, I make it with a satisfied smile on my face.  Oh how lovely that everything fits so nice and tidy in each little box!

Unfortunately for me, life is not like this--for anyone--no matter what the career path.  But especially not with medical school.  Why can't I use a calendar to plan out or lives for rotations, after medschool, for residency, after residency?  There are so many unknowns, uncertainties, and whatifs....why doesn't everything just fit neatly into a box?

After completing year one of medschool, I've finally made my peace with not having our lives perfectly planned out even a little bit.  Sure, it still stresses me out sometimes, but I use to wage an internal battle against the medschool process without its knowledge.  It didn't do anything but give me anxiety and make me a bit bitter.  I've made my peace.  No spreadsheet for medschool. :)

I'm currently reading a thick book on creative writing, just for fun.  In it I found a quote that novelist Robert Stone said about the process of creative writing....and when I read it I immediately thought, "That's exactly like medical school!"  And life in general, really:

"It's like driving a car at night.  You can only see as far ahead as your headlights, but you can make the entire journey that way."

You can make the entire journey that way.  Now that was reassuring.  I guess it's kind of like my son's Easter egg hunt this year.  He didn't know where all the eggs were hidden, but he was happy as a clam to find one egg at a time, and eventually his basket was full.  One egg at a time.

(How's that for an analogy so I can include a cute picture of my son? :)

I'd like some patience please...NOW!

I'll be the first to admit, I'm not the most patient person.  It depends on what we're talking about too...I'm more patient with some things (and people) than others.  But let me tell you...the whole med school process--from the minute we submitted our first application--has tried my patience like nothing else.

So much waiting....are we going to get secondary applications?.....Are we going to get interviews?....Are we getting accepted to a school?......Whew, okay we got into a school.  Now there is more waiting....how will we do on boards?.....Where will we apply for residency?......Where will we get interviews?.....Where will we get in?....and it goes on and on.  And it just seems like one big waiting game for me.

I've decided that med school lesson #26 (who's counting?) is:


The better I get at being patient, the happier I will be.

This thought was reinforced at church today as we discussed Dieter F. Uchtdorf's teachings about patience.  Here are some of my favorite quotes from what he said (and you don't have to go to my church to feel inspired by just how true these thoughts feel).  You can view the whole thing here.  It is amazing.

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"Patience--the ability to put our desires on hold for a time--is a precious and rare virtue.  We want what we want and we want it now.  Therefore, the very idea of patience may seem unpleasant and, at times, bitter."


"Patience is a purifying process that refines understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace."


"Patience requires actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results don't appear instantly or without effort."


"Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!"

"Often we can't see the Lord's hand in our lives until long after the trials have passed.  Often the most difficult times in our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way for future opportunity, understanding, and happiness."


"Patience means accepting that which cannot be changed and facing it with courage, grace, and faith."

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Man, that last one especially hits me hard.  Accept what I cannot change.  The road to becoming a doctor is long, and I feel like I anxiously (and sometimes impatiently) await the next milestone and phase.

I feel like I even have more patience with my 1 year old than with the doctor process!  (And this is saying a lot especially since he recently learned how to open and close the dishwasher, and when we flip the latch to lock it so he won't open it and gouge himself with forks and knives, he's learned to twist the knob exactly right to actually TURN ON the dishwasher.  We have very clean dishes, my friends.)

I think I have less patience with the med school process because I have a lot less control over it.  Part of this whole process is learning how to have patience while accepting the fact that much of our future is largely out of our control.  (For example, our 5 year plan?  Uh, we don't know.....move where ever we get into residency!)

I'm hoping that by blogging about all this, I can remember it on the inevitable days when I want things to get easier instantly or without effort.  I'll have to look back and remind myself that the better I become at being patient, the happier I will be!

Potent Quotables

My recurring thought of today this week.....

"When we pray for strength, God gives us weights."